Quality communication is the foundation of a healthy relationship.1 Open, honest, and clear communication between two partners sets the stage for success, whereas poor communication can be at the root of many problems within a relationship. We need communication for the little, day-to-day logistics (like who is picking the kids up from school) and also the really big things (like major life decisions).
If you are finding that the communication between you and your partner isn’t quite up to snuff, then you’ll want to spend some time building this important skill.
Solutions for this relationship problem:
- Set aside time in your schedules to talk and check in. During these scheduled conversations, make time for logistics (parenting, maintaining the household, etc.), but also spend a few minutes talking about more personal, deeper topics that will build and reinforce connection over time. Make sure to put away cell phones and distractions so you can really tune into your partner.
- Practice active listening, give your partner space to talk, and validate your partner’s point of view. Try to really listen and reflect back to your partner what you hear them saying. Feeling heard and understood by a partner buffers against conflict and bolsters relationship satisfaction.2
- Avoid the 4 Horsemen. John Gottman is a relationship expert who’s studied relationships extensively. Through his research, he has determined 4 styles of communication that predict a relationship will end, which he has termed the 4 Horsemen. These are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Go here to learn more about what each of these are and how to avoid them in your communication.3
- Shift your approach to conflict. Conflict isn’t itself a bad thing. In fact, it is inevitable in a partnership.4 But how you fight matters. Try these strategies to help you manage conflict in a more productive way:
- Rather than focusing on winning or being right, practice seeing conflicts as joint problems to solve together. Work towards finding solutions that work for the team.5
- Focus on the shared goal and outcome you’d both like to achieve. Try setting an intention together at the beginning of the conversation.
- Avoid “you” statements and try “I” statements instead.
- Practice active listening (remember, feeling understood buffers against conflict).2
- Be aware of your body language and tone of voice.
- Take a timeout to self-soothe when you need to calm down. Try going for a walk, breathing, or listening to music for a few minutes before returning.4
- Practice your conflict resolutions skills on smaller, easier-to-solve problems first, then work up to bigger issues.6
